Is this something that anyone ever really masters? Is it a skill? Talent? Learned behavior? Innate intuition? Good or bad judgment?
Are some just born with a better filter than others?
Honestly, I think it’s one of Life’s greater challenges – figuring out when to open your mouth and when not to. It’s a universal dilemma.
Then, if you do decide to open mouth, how do you keep from inserting foot?
I have a few friends who have a tendency to say whatever they feel needs to be said – knowing (or maybe not) that the outcome may be disastrous. When I am not the receiver, I SO appreciate their honesty, courage and willingness to speak the truth. Being the person to whom they are speaking can be a bit uncomfortable to say the least.
Yet, when I try that route, I usually end up feeling incredibly guilty and hurting a lot of folks’ feelings.
The opposite end of that spectrum is always keeping the peace – and I am lousy at that, too.
A friend once said to me (this might be an AA-ism), “Does it need to be said or do you need to say it?”
I thought that was a pretty good filter to apply to things.
Unfortunately, I have trouble seeing which is which.
So today, every day, I am trying to answer this question in so many areas of my life; do I open my mouth because I am so f-ing tired of keeping it shut, knowing that I am setting myself up for some serious abuse?
Although, keeping my mouth shut isn’t stopping the abuse.
Do I say what I want to say to a friend and risk losing that friendship forever?
Do you speak the truth knowing that no matter how you say it, it’s not going to be heard?
Do you tell someone to “cut the shit” even though really, it’s not that much of your business, yet the person needs to hear it?
Do I tell the truth to my children to help them understand, while knowing that it will also hurt them?
Do I say, out loud, to anyone, what kind of craziness goes on inside my pretty little head?
Can I put the inside thoughts on the outside?
For now, it appears that I will take the easy way out and write cryptic little snippets here on my blog, not really putting it out there, but pretending that I am.
I think the key is to speak your truth, but be wise enough to know that everyone’s version of truth or reality is unique. The key is honesty without expectations. I am still learning. lol. Happiness really does revolve around a certain naive lack of expectations. : )
My latest philosophy is a Mark Twainism, which goes something like: “You can’t teach anyone anything they don’t already know.” Have you ever tried to tell someone they eat/drink/smoke too much? That their husband is a world-class jerk? That their kids are walking all over them? They already know! When they’re ready to do something about it, they will. (Don’t mistake them asking you to tell them what to do for actually wanting to hear your advice. All they want is to be heard–to be reassured that even though they feel like their life is in the toilet, you still love them.) That doesn’t mean you put on a party hat and join their self-pity parade.
So here I am, breaking my own rule. Blah, blah, blahing in your space. But one more thing–no matter how badly someone is hurting, they have no right to be abusive. You’re too cool to be anybody’s doormat. (And if the kids are seeing their dear mother being disrespected, that’s gonna hurt them more than the truth ever will.)
I agree with Deb. Stake out your boundaries and realize that people have no right to abuse you. Sometimes a little bluntness is necessary to get your point across. My challenge is to temper the bluntness…